So, how did it all began?
I think I was born to hurt..born to feel more than most people could even begin to imagine. I’ve dealt with things that were very hard to get over, things one should not have to endure… But then again..I also think that the fact that I’m so numb is in fact why Im still here…
Hmmm…
But why…why am I here?
I’ve reached a section in my life where I begin to question myself. Oh how I’d love to be able to separate soul from body…
Wait…soul..lets start there..
What is my soul? ohh that poor thing…
Sitting in the back..just like a child on the school bus..getting bullied in the backseat,
but has no determination, will, backbone, or pride to stand up and walk to the front..
What is at the front?….reality?…truth?…hmm, we’ll come back to this later..
As awkward and frustrating as it is for me to understand myself, I’ve succumbed to the last possible theory that I have gathered for myself..
Maybe my mind doesnt match my soul..and my soul doesnt match my body…and my soul wants to beat the shit out of my mind and body..
At times I feel as if I’m living as 2 different people..with 2 different lives..2 different styles..2 different
types of manuerisms..2 different, well, everythings…Hell, forget 2…it seems like more.
But as I sit back and think about my past, a somewhat eerie feeling slowly creeps upon me..it seems as if my memories do not belong to me. When I reminisce, it’s like my mind is recalling a story someone had once shared with me and that is all. It’s like I was never there at all to even make that memory. I feel like this doesn’t make sense..perhaps my mind has went through some sort of change. But again, why?
I’ve thought maybe I’m insane…going a little crazy…
No…I’m not…this is real..
I’m not saying I believe any or all of this is directly linked with reincarnation or past lives, but let me throw this out there..
I’ve always believed in reincarnation very much, even before I knew it was called reincarnation. I felt like I was always meant to be someone or something else. I’ve done a lot of studying on the topic and I believe in
it as sure as I breathe oxygen. And as far as I can tell, these are a few things Im sure of..
In a past life:
-I had blue eyes.
-I was slimmer than what I am in this life.
-I held supernatural talents (I believe there was something with fire or electricity, I’m still not quite sure, along with the ESP if thats what you want to call it, which I am still in tune with in this life.)
-Something in my past involved water, but I cannot tell if it was an event involving water or what..
-I also believe I attempted suicide in a past life, but was not successful..and as hard as it is for me to face that, I think thats why I have wanted to do it in this life..but why? Why would I want to do such a thing?
-I also believe that I was a male in a past life
-I believe I’ve lived 3 previous lives, first a female, then a male, then a female again, and female now.
-I once lived in Arizona long, long ago and was completely alone.
-I believe living in Arizona and attempting suicide were both part of my last life.
-I believe I once lived in Eygpt but cannot recall my purpose there, anything about my body or appearance.
-There is something with the number 37. This has me very curious and puzzled. But this number has appeared to me too many times in my life.
I brought up reincarnation because maybe everything I’m going through is just kind of glitch that my soul has encountered. Perhaps memories of my past lives are somehow getting carried over to this life.
This may all sound extremely farfetched, but thats just part of it.
I feel like my life revolves in a vicious cycle that will eventually show its teeth, chew me up, and spit me out. I will start to be in a good mood, then out of nowhere I don’t feel like myself anymore. It’s like I can see myself acting in ways that I had no intention of, but I have no control over it. I scream at myself on the inside. Then I get sad and depressed, then it turns to rage, then I turn back to normal, whatever the hell that is…And all of this happens over a short period of time ranging from 1 week to 3 weeks. After the rage, it all starts back over again while I’m left wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.
I don’t need medication or therapy. I need to know the truth..
I don’t know who I am..I don’t know who I used to be..and I for damn sure dont know who I’m gonna be. I pretend for everyone. I hide whats really there and subsitute it all with someone who’s kind of normal. I can’t dress the way I want to dress or act the way I really want to act. It’s all a put on..
I feel deeply connected to people..some of which I hardly know. Some people I pass in a store, or sit beside at a stoplight, I feel like I could literally just come up to them and strike up a conversation and feel like I have known them for years. Some people I feel magnetically drawn to, see a soul I just can’t pass up. And I will press on until I get to know them or be closer to them. I don’t have enough friends who are on my level..whatever that is..
I have the urge to go under a trance or something..try to find myself..or knew someone who could help me with it..
I need people around me who believe what I believe..
Sometimes I dream of a woman, I know no names or where it is that I see her. But her and I are always alone when she is in my dreams. She is the most beautiful thing that I’ve seen in my life. She is always dressed in 1 of 4 dresses. A long, flowing, blood red evening gown is what she usually wears. She also favors a dark blue velvety dress that drags the dirt behind her as she gracefully approaches me. Her hair is very dark..but it is always somewhat dark when I see her, so I cannot tell if it is dark brown or black. And it is soooo beautiful, as the wind sweeps past me, blowing my hair over my face as it reaches her and ignites every beautiful strand of hers to flow majestically while she pierces into me with her cold icy blue eyes, locking in a stare. I can never speak to her. I forget how to talk. My lips quiver and my tongue becomes furious caged behind my teeth, but even if I felt I had the ability to talk to her, I’m almost positive I would freeze and be left there. But who is this woman? Maybe just some figure I’ve somehow subconsciously created..or does it go deeper than that? Who knows…
I just hate this feeling I struggle to carry every single day..I’m like a loose cannon sometimes. At times, I even scare myself.
Maybe the dreadful nothingness at the front of the “bus” that I am afraid to see is me..the real me..who I’m supposed to be…
Wow…
